He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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