Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my shit smells like andre
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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