um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
