I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
