The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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