Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
