i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
