Your tits are I can't wait for
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.