She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
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I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
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TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.