I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
They took my balls.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
