I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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