he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sober January is a disaster.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
