My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My ass is underappreciated
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
