perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
