Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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