why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
