Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Houston, we have a squirter
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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