those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Alive.
So much puke
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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