also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
