i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
