i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
