Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
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