He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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