are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
