I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
