A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
