New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
