I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
