do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
