she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
