If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
