went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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