so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
