he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just found puke in my bra..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
