so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
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She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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