i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
