I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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