Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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