I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Randomize
