when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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