Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
