I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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