I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
