i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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