yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
