This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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