i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i came on her dog
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
