cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
