I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize