sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
