the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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