First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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