I need to stop coming to work sober
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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