Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
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They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
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Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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