I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
