The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
