Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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